Art by Josh Lakes

Anarchy Man's Top Ten Leisure Activities:

1. Collect recyclable cans; use desposit money to buy nitrous tank for Anarchy Mobile.

2. Watch political talk shows at consumer electronics store.

3. Slash tires on SWAT van.

4. Write long, ranting letter to the editor.

5. Listen to police band radio.

6. Read local alternative papers.

7. Swap stories around the trash barrel fire.

8. Submit fake resume for corporate CEO position.

9. Sneak into artsy movie.

10. Write name in snow outside City Hall using Energy Blast.

April Fools day at Crossfire Base

Striker! It's the Viet Cong! They've invaded the U.S. and taken over the Washington Monument!

Striker (having flashback):

The Cong! Damn you commie bastards! I'll kill you all! (blasts couch with lightning)

ZG-91:

That was not honorable. Also we will now have to replace the couch.

This week: Should heroes wear their underwear on the outside of their uniforms?

This is the first in a series of continuing moderated debates between the conservative American patriot, Striker, and the self-titled people's hero, Anarchy Man. These politically opposed members of the super hero team Crossfire, will butt heads today in what is sure to be an interesting debate. And now for this weeks topic...

This week: Should heroes wear their underwear on the outside of their uniforms?

Striker:

The quick answer is, of course not. But this question brings up another, more salient point. The declining standards in today's American society. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that this is even a subject for debate given that we live in a country where the President of the United States would actually respond to the question, 'Boxers or briefs?' Still it's very disheartening. My adept but misguided colleague, Anarchy Man would probably say it's a person's right to wear whatever he wants. And while I'm a firm defender of libertarian values this crosses the line to just plane libertine values. Anarchy Man and his ilk are responsible for the continuing degradation of our standards ever since the hippies like him starting spouting off in the 60s. For someone, anyone to wear underwear in public is disrespectful for those who don't wish to see someone's Fruit of the Looms! This kind of disrespect for our fellow man, leads to disrespect to property, which leads to vandalism, which in turn can lead to even more serious crimes, the crimes that we as superheroes have sworn to prevent!

We used to live in a world where the word 'please' was heard more often than the phrase, 'get outta my way.' Unfortunately that is not the case anymore. But I digress. I'd like to think superheroes would stand up as role models for all to emulate but sadly they too have been corrupted by these lowering of standards. Well I say we must put a stop to this! I call out to my fellow superheroes. You have an obligation, nay, a duty to set a high standard for all to follow!

Anarchy Man:

As usual our Fearless Leader has missed the point completely. The important question is, should superheroes involve themselves in the tacit support of the international underwear industry, therefore giving approval to the oppressive working conditions under which such garments are produced?

The Anarchy Suit was built with my own hands, using only parts made by unionized workers. This is the sort of example we need to set. Relying on tired cliches about "traditional values" and "property rights" teaches kids that it is OK to rely on what has come before instead of thinking for yourself. To do so is to sentence today's children to a never ending spiral of negative self-definition and greed.

As for the act itself, it is obviously a matter of personal choice. Personally I would rather see someone wearing their boxers than wrapped in the flag.

Moderator:

An interesting point Anarchy Man. Striker? Comments?

This week's topic: Is negotiation preferable to a city-destroying brawl?

Anarchy Man:

This is a more complicated question than one might think. On the surface, it seems that the negotiation option should always be exhausted before using one's powers and weapons to defeat a villain, in the process reducing dozens of city blocks to slag and ashes. In some cases, this is indeed true. However, negotiation can sometimes be an invitation for the villain to gain the advantage while you, with the best of naive intentions, attempt to reason with her, him or it. Like a union dealing with a multinational corporation, or freedom fighters battling an oppressive government, heroes must remember that their opponents often have little interest in peace and understanding. In these cases we must strike first, and strike hard, disabling the opponent before we can be taken unawares.

The more important question, what is being destroyed in these brawls? Are the homes of the working poor being destroyed, or the headquarters of some arrogant transnational entity? Are we fighting amongst the mansions and penthouses of the wealthy, who have purchased their palaces with the blood and sweat of the workers they despise, or are we causing the destruction of a soup kitchen where those whom the nation would most like to forget might stop awhile for a decent meal? It depends what is being destroyed. It is no great loss to me if the property of a giant health insurance company is blown to smithereens by a stray maser blast. In contrast, we must take care not to injure those whom society has already injured. I suggest moving all battles to the centers of finance and government so that nothing valuable will be damaged.

ZG-98:

Negotiation is a pointless, waste of time. My opponent has sealed his fate by following the path he has chosen. As Anarchy Man has spoken, many have no interest in "negotiating" and I have no desire to waste my time doing so. The challenge has been posted, and I take it upon myself to defeat my opposition whatever the cost. Destruction of property matters little to me - only defeating the inferior opponent is my goal. Your society forces me to pay retribution for destroyed property. I care little for such restricting rules, but I have the means which allows me to ignore them. I try to avoid injuring those who are not involved in the battle, but such is a risk of combat. Though to purposely injure those not involved in combat is dishonorable, and opponents who chose to do shall be shown no mercy. The defeat of a powerful opponent often outweighs the loss of life associated with it. Regardless, the challenge must be taken, and my opponent must be defeated. To "debate" otherwise in settings such as this is also a waste of time.

Katana:

(shaking head in agreement)

ZG-98:

You see, Katana appreciates the wisdom of my words.

This week's topic: Should Super Powers be Licensed?

Striker:

Should superpowers be licensed? What an absurd question! Talk about a complete and total denial of one's freedoms and liberties. We are blessed with God-given talents that the brave and just of us use for good. Just because the bad guys use them for evil is no excuse to start regulating powers. Besides the bad guys would never subject themselves to some sort of governing board anyway. It will just be the law-abiding who will have their rights infringed. Didn't we learn from the folly of gun control? Criminals don't buy their weapons from reputable dealers and thus completely avoid any sort of licensing or background checks. It's silly! Superpowers don't kill people, bad people with superpowers do.

Who is to decide whether or not a person has the right to use their abilities? And what about those superheroes who have latent talent, that they have yet to discover. Are they just walking timebombs?! How insulting is that? I for one, refuse to put myself through some sort of tests before some governing board. And do we have to renew our licenses like drivers? I can see it now. 'Look a comet is spiraling towards that city. Darn it! And just when my license expired today. Oh well, too bad. All those innocent people will have to die.' Please. Superpower Licensing. What a ridiculous notion.

Mindhammer:

Licensing is a small thing. We are all small things. The multiverse is large, larger than any mortal can comprehend. I do the work of peace. Peace is within our reach, for it is inside each of us. The new soul of a child, the heart of a star, the joyous howl of the Mr'rnian Star-Goat as it returns to its asteroid home once each 10,000 years, these things are large. You seek to circumscribe, to limit, to quarrel over the small and the insignificant. It is unfortunate. Such conflict diminshes the multiverse itself. Those who oppose are no less responsible than those who propose, for neither yields nor truly sees.

Open your soul to the multiverse. See the infinite distances and depths. See the infinity of your own spirit and open your heart to its love.

Top 10 Things You Are Not Likely to See Jay Bolt doing:

1. Use a fork.

2. Ordering off the Lite Fare portion of a menu.

3. Flossing.

4. Turning down seconds.

5. Replying 'No,' to the question, 'Would you like fries with that?'

6. Wearing a shirt without at least 3 of the following stains: ketchup, coffee, grease.

7. Staying at any hotel where you CAN'T tip the waitresses with poker chips.

8. Jumping Jacks.

9. Uttering the phrase: "I'm not ready to leave yet, I have to fix my hair!"

10. Attending an N'Sync concert.

Striker and Anarchy Man go to vote

(Anarchy Man and Striker stand in a long line next to a sign reading "polling place")

Striker:

Finally, a chance to put an honorable man back in charge of the executive branch.

Anarchy Man:

Admit it, you're writing Reagan in again.

(later, inside the building. Anarchy Man leans across table at election worker)

Anarchy Man:

No, not "Mann!" Man! M-A-N! What... permanent address! I told you, curbside in front of the abandoned TV repair shop! (breaks into a chorus of "Solidarity Forever")